The best part of believe is the lie.

I can see it now…
He’s asking her out in person, unlike me who couldn’t wait.
They talk more, unlike me who did all the talking.
He calls her more, because she’s more fun to talk to.
They hang out more, because he’s falling for her.
He goes over her house, they lay on her bed... and they kiss gently.
She slides out of her shirt, he awkwardly takes off his.
He caresses her stomach and unhooks her bra.
He runs his hands through her hair and kisses her forehead.
She lays her head on his chest and listens to his heartbeat.
He tells her he loves her, and this time, he means it.
They go further than me and him ever went.
And he’s happier with her.
I couldn’t give him it all, she could.
She trusts him, he trusts her.
I see him in school and we exchange glances.
My look says “I miss you, when are you coming back?”
His look is blank and unfamiliar.
She’s standing next to him, smile on her face.
My eyes scream "you promised!"
But he doesn't even notice me anymore, I'm just another face.
Promises are not made to be broken, but they were that night.
That night he broke my heart. my everything gone away never to return.
As I sit on my bed where everything happened between us,
the beginning to the end.
the silence is earth shattering, but I like it.
I can still hear all those words, those words that I put so much faith in.
those words that turned into lies.
But it's not a lie, if you believe it.
And oh how I miss you, and the loneliness hurts so much.
I hope you're happy with her.
Be careful though darling, you're believing her lies too.
-written by me.

Here's to all the girls...

Here's to all the girls who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning & be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, & moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, "I only want to be your friend", one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves & misses you. We deserve something, and this is our tribute. Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, & even snuck around to see him for while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out, thinking it would be just friends, & ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us. Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to settle for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated. Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up & put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again. This is for those great girls who loved him more than words can say, & took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day & wonder "what if". This is for the girls that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, & cried during the entire conversation. The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it. This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with. This is for us girls, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, & get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that "things were going too fast, he needs time." Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." The ones that could just tell that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts & their dreams again. We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that. Here's for the ones that finally realized that he never gave a crap about them. Here's for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, & the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here's for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him & want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong and remember that relationships are like broken glass; sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together & get hurt. Remember the times you cried & how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When 'your song' comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made & tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation & the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the hell he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night & how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to. One day you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's going to hurt like crap, & it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal. This is for those girls who fell back in love with their ex, only to get hurt all over again. -Unknown.

Unloved and Unwanted.

I'm tired of being unwanted. of being judged.

of being unloved. of being alone.
It's not fair that I give everything to everyone and no one ever cares.
She's a mess of gorgeous chaos and you can see it in her eyes.
all she wants is to be loved. to be wanted. to be accepted for who she is.
she's never hated someone, Hate is a very strong word.
Dislike is a word that better suits the taste

of how she feels of only a certain few.
Dislike is a word that better suits the taste

of how she feels about high school.
Dislike is a word that better suits the taste,
of how she feels about life in general right now.
She wishes things would go back to the way they this time last year.
she was wanted back then. she wasn't judged back then.

she was loved back then. she was happy back then.
-written by me

Some favorite quotes.

• "I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the winter bundled up by the fire, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you." -The Notebook.
• "Let me ask you something; If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If they prayed for courage, does God give them courage, or does He give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does He give them opportunities to love each other?" -Evan Almighty.
• "and maybe, there's a little loser in all of us. being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. maybe, it's about stringing together all those little things. Making those count formore than the bad stuff. maybe, if we justget through it. Then that is all we can ask for." -The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants.
• "never say goodbye. because saying goodbye, means going away. and going away, means forgetting." -Peter Pan.
• "Stay in touch. you muttered as i walked away, not realizing that i planned on forgetting you. because unlike you, i can't just shrug my shoulders. because unlike me, you never even cared." -Unknown.
• "you don't bring people into your life, just to throw them away." -Degrassi.
• "I traced our names on a fogged up window and watched them fade to nothing, just like we did." -Unknown.
• "If you'd just listen to her, then maybe you'd understand. maybe, instead of thinking you know everything, you should let go of your ego for awhile, & you'd start to get to know the real her. and maybe, if you just threw away your stupidity for once. and just loved her, maybe, you two could make it." -Unknown.
• "this is to empty warehouses and back alleys. to grass stains on your knees, and getting caught in the rain. to hiding yourself in corners and sobbing, and handing over the control of your world. to burying your heart, in the palm of another's hand, only to watch them crush it hopelessly. to the romance of getting hurt, over and over again." -Unknown.
• "if you wanna leave, you Can. I'll Remember you though. I remember everyone that leaves." -Lilo and Stitch
• On the phone a year later, he asked her if she missed him. Her reply was "I don't miss you, i miss the guy who called me every second he could, who sat home on Saturday nights when we couldn't be together thinking of me..the guy who came to my house after every fight, the guy who told me I looked like a star, that's the guy i miss. How could I miss you? I don't even know you." -Unknown.

best I've written.

written February 28, 2007

I’m mad. Mad at fate for turning out this way it did. Mad at God for letting this happen. Mad at you for not caring. Mad at her for liking you. But mostly, I’m mad at myself. For trusting you. For giving you everything I had to give. For screwing up. For not being good enough. And I guess, it’s always going to be like this. Things are never going to just work out for me. I make little things into big deals. I yell and get upset when I really shouldn’t. And I don’t think before I speak or act. And I guess you were right to leave because in the end, I would have only made things worse. But even after all of this, I still wish more than anything, that you missed me. That you cared how I felt when I found out you were hooking up with some girl after you told me you didn’t like her. I am so tired of this. I am so tired of life. Do you know what it feels like to want to die? I don’t think you do. I put on a great act don’t I? Pretending that I don’t care. Pretending I’m ok. Because the truth is, I go every day and cry my eyes out, driving myself insane thinking about what I could have done differently. The truth is, I’m not ok. I blame me and only me for all of this. Because the real truth is, people always act differently, when they think no one is watching. -written by me.

written March 25, 2007

It is a peculiar nature of the world, to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening. People say they care about her, and they know how she feels, but unless you can mend a broken heart, then you can’t really help her, can you? You say you understand, and sure you hear her, but maybe you weren’t really listening. You were looking, but you weren’t really seeing. Curious is the world, where someone can be so incredibly sad and yet no one can do anything about it. It’s amazing how much people change over time. Time stinks doesn’t it? It either goes by way to quickly to the point where you want to take a picture of every moment so you’ll never have to forget, or too slowly to the point where you’d rather kill yourself than wait. But think about it, if we didn’t have time what would we be? If we made time go faster we would miss the memories speeding by us. And if we made it go by slower then we would have to wait for what seems like forever for something we really want or maybe even something we really need. Time never goes the way we want it. Nothing ever goes the way we want it. And I guess I should have said something, anything. I mean, for a girl who wants to be a writer, it suddenly seemed like no words had ever been written. But when someone tells you that they somehow stopped missing you, stopped loving you, you pretty much lose, no matter what you say or how much time you have to say it. So in the end it all comes down to the fact that time is responsible for everything. To realize the value of time, don’t take pictures to look back on wonderful moments and you’ll see how precious time really is. Take a nap, or read a book to make time go faster and you’ll see how annoying time can be as well. The truth is we would be nothing without time. And no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening in the world, time isn’t going to speed up or slow down for anyone. It’s just going to happen. And sometimes, there’s nothing we can do but just accept it. -written by me.

written April 25, 2007

Here’s to those girls who used to be his everything. Who talked to him for hours thinking he was listening. To all the girls who thought everything was going great but then got that call when he said things weren't working out for him, and he needed space. This is for all those girls who cried for hours on end. For those girls who felt like there was no hope. Who went for months without seeing or hearing from him and after finally getting over it, watched him come back into your life as "just friends", as if nothing had ever happened. As you got closer to him you knew know where the "friendship" was going. Here’s to those girls who fell for him again. Fell for his lies, fell for his charm. Here’s to those girls who let him sweet talk his way into your mind and maybe even your body. Here’s to those girls who might have been through this 3 or 4 times already, only to be disappointed in the end, every single time. "It’ll be different this time" you'd say to yourself. Only to watch it turn out to be just like it did the last time, only this time it hurt a little more. It always hurt a little more. Here’s to those girls who tried so desperately to get him back over and over, only to probably push him away even more. To those girls who fucked it up so bad this time, the time it was really supposed to work. To those who can't sleep at night because they know the reason why he's not here anymore is because of them. Here’s to the one's who can't look at themselves in the mirror anymore because they feel ugly all the time. Here’s to the ones who not only screwed up things with the boy they love, but with everyone. Here’s to the ones who've heard their best friends say "you are pushing me away" or "you've changed ever since him". Here’s those girls who can't please everyone. Who can't be perfect. Here’s to those girls who have no one in this life. Who the people they used to be able to depend on aren't always there anymore. This is for you. For the one's who feel hopeless. For the one's who feel worthless. For the one's who feel unloved. This is for you. This is for us. -written by me.

written April 25, 2006

Here’s to those girls who used to be his everything. Who talked to him for hours thinking he was listening. To all the girls who thought everything was going great but then got that call when he said things weren't working out for him, and he needed space. This is for all those girls who cried for hours on end. For those girls who felt like there was no hope. Who went for months without seeing or hearing from him and after finally getting over it, watched him come back into your life as "just friends", as if nothing had ever happened. As you got closer to him you knew know where the "friendship" was going. Here’s to those girls who fell for him again. Fell for his lies, fell for his charm. Here’s to those girls who let him sweet talk his way into your mind and maybe even your body. Here’s to those girls who might have been through this 3 or 4 times already, only to be disappointed in the end, every single time. "It’ll be different this time" you'd say to yourself. Only to watch it turn out to be just like it did the last time, only this time it hurt a little more. It always hurt a little more. Here’s to those girls who tried so desperately to get him back over and over, only to probably push him away even more. To those girls who fucked it up so bad this time, the time it was really supposed to work. To those who can't sleep at night because they know the reason why he's not here anymore is because of them. Here’s to the one's who can't look at themselves in the mirror anymore because they feel ugly all the time. Here’s to the ones who not only screwed up things with the boy they love, but with everyone. Here’s to the ones who've heard their best friends say "you are pushing me away" or "you've changed ever since him". Here’s those girls who can't please everyone. Who can't be perfect. Here’s to those girls who have no one in this life. Who the people they used to be able to depend on aren't always there anymore. This is for you. For the one's who feel hopeless. For the one's who feel worthless. For the one's who feel unloved. This is for you. This is for us. -written by me.

written May 22, 2007

This is a story of a lonely girl trying to build a non-existent relationship with the boy she loves. Oh but that boy is so beautiful, she's lucky to even have known him at all. Still, she sits at home all alone, wishing she hadn't screwed things up. And everywhere she goes she thinks of how it would have been different if that boy was still there. So beautiful, so perfect. In her eyes, that's all she needs. She loves him with everything she has, and more, but he only loved her to last for a little while. But he's so beautiful, she can't let him go. And she cries every night wishing things were different. She goes to school with a fake smile on hoping to get a glimpse of that beautiful boy, hoping he'd notice her, hoping he'd miss her just as much as she misses him. But that would never happen; he's just too beautiful for her. -written by me.