August 19, 2009

24 hours.

And every night when I know I can't talk to you,
Because you're probably out getting wasted,
Or high, or God only knows what else...
I take out my phone. scroll down to the inbox.
5 messages that will never be erased.
5 messages from you.
message #1:
"You know I care about you right.
I would never do anything to hurt you."
a friendship of roughly 7 years.
this was something solid.
something I wanted to believe in.
something I needed to believe in.
was it ever really true?
message #2:
"Relax kid your my best friend :)"
When I read this one I was at work.
Buying something.
My best friend was my cashier.
She might not remember the smile on my face.
or how big it was, but I do.
You used to call me kid,
it was the little nickname you gave me.
And only me.
I notice you call other people kid now.
have you replaced me that easily?
message #3:
"do you understand how much it would upset me if you died!"
this one makes me laugh.
because I was on the brink of suicide.
and you didn't move a muscle,
to try and stop me.
message #4:
"No Christina. I'm never going to leave you. I promise."
My personal favorite.
Biggest lie ever conceived by one human being alone.
broken promise number 582.
message #5:
"I'm sorry I'm the worst friend in the world.
Like really sorry. I feel like a complete asshole.
I'm probably making it worse,
by texting you at 1 in the morning
but I just wanted to tell you.
its kinda weird not talking to you
all the time and i don't like that :(
well if you ever forgive me. text me anytime."
you sent this text message the day before you told me,
you couldn't be friends with me anymore.
Not that you didn't want to be friends with me,
but that you couldn't.
which are two totally different things.
two things I feel are crucial to this story.
am I ever going to know what changed your mind?
in those short 24 hours?
Yes I've memorized them.
and yeah, I should probably erase them.
but they mean more to me,
than anything in this world ever could.
because who knew that in those short 24 hours,
you would, for arguments sake,
get struck by a lightningbult,
and that, in turn, rewired your ability
to care about the ones who love you the most?
who knew that in those 24 hours,
I would go from your best friend
to "someone who shouldn't talk to you anymore,
because you've changed so much."
who knew someone could change so much in 24 hours?
but then again, in those 24 hours,
I went from low-self-esteem nobody,
to worthless suicidal break down.
And believe it or not,
These 5 little messages saved me.
Because they remind me of,
regardless of weather you're the same person or not,
my best friend.
because in those short 24 hours.
I lost my best friend.
So 24 more hours pass and you're still not here.
and I take each 24 hours one step at a time.
Laughing at some memories, crying at most.
And for each 24 hours that pass,
Those 5 messages remind me of another 24 hours,
you weren't there - even when you promised that you would be.
another 24 hours, you don't care that I might be dead.
another 24 hours, I'm not your best friend anymore.
and another 24 hours that you're still mine.
So I was delt the bad hand, again.
And I should have known from those words,
that you wouldn't want to be a part of my life.
Everyone who doesn't desserve it,
is surrounded by people who could mean
the world to someone so much better.
I think I've had more than my fair share
of hurt and betrayal. And I thought you agreed.
In not such a short time you have altered me.
And I would greatly appreciate your compassion.
Just for 24 more hours.
-written by me.