Gone.

You knew you couldn't have me,
and that's why you wanted me.
But now that you have me,
you don't want me anymore.
You promised your way into my life again.
You smooth talked your way into my raduis.
Rested your hand on my leg.
Nestled your lips onto my neck.
Slipped your hand under my shirt.
Gracefully unbutton my pants.
Kissed your way into me.
Took the only thing I have to give.
And I let you have it.
Because you have seen me at my worst and at my best.
And I have seen your rough edges and your perfect curves.
And I promised myself I wouldn't get attatched.
But here I am, trying to pull myself away.
Begging my ears to stop longing for your voice.
Asking my body to stop missing your touch.
Telling my head that I don't need you.
And now that I know that I don't need you,
you can't hurt me anymore.
A weight has been lifted from my shoulders
that I didn't think would ever go away.
You can never rely on someone else to make you happy.
Because that someone else will always let you down.
So the next time you think of me,
remember that you knew you couldn't have me,
and that's why you wanted me.
And then when you had me, you didn't want me.
So now I'm gone.
-written by me

Happiness.

I am bitter and outraged with how my life is turning out.
This is me, spilling my soul for anyone who cares to listen.
Life is hard. It punches you in the face,
waits until you're on the ground
and kicks you while you're down.
There is so much hurt all around me,
and it's getting to the point where it can't be fixed
by band aids or poetry or music.
It's hard to come up for air sometimes.
Because usually, I don't want to deal
with other people's happiness,
because I still have yet to find my own.
And this time, I can't even blame someone else
for my unhappiness.
I did this to myself,
and I don't know how to fix it.
Because the poetry I used to write,
and the bands I used to listen to,
and the gymnastics I used to do,
they don't help anymore.
Nothing helps anymore.
I am even willing to ruin someone else's happiness
for the sake of my own.
And when I wake up every morning,
there is a stranger staring back at me in the mirror.
I don't know who I am anymore.
My poetry professor was talking about someone he knew
that went on vacation to 'find themselves'.
He laughed at the idea and said, 'if you have to find yourself,
that's pretty sad. No one should have to find themselves'.
I was offended, because I still don't know where I am.
And what happens when the one person
who you feel like you can tell all of your problems to
has problems of their own?
Life is kicking me while I'm down,
and I can't seem to get back up.
And when I'm happy, everything seems to be so much better.
The sky is always blue, the grass is always green.
But when I'm not, the sky has a tint of grey all the time,
And the green makes my allergies go crazy.
I always put everyone in my life,
on this high pedestal.
And I'm always on the floor, kissing their feet.
I just want to connect with someone on a deeper level.
On a level that will have them choose to get off the pedestal,
take my hand, and make me feel infinite.
Someone who will say,
"No Christina, you come first in my life,
how about you take the pedestal,
because you deserve to be happy."
-written by me