Being alone really does feel as awful as it sounds.

As I sit alone, waiting for the train,
I’ve had so many words and no courage.
I am a lack of inspiration lately,
maybe that's why I've been feeling so lost.
I want to scrape down into the depths of my soul,
and find what I've been looking for all this time.
I want to hollow out the cavity where my heart is,
so that it can't make decisions for me anymore.
I want to remove my brain,
so that it can't overthink things.
I want my mind to stop,
picking apart everything anyone has ever said to me.
I want to stop going over these moments in my head,
that keep me awake at night; they make me sick.
I want to have more self control,
so I can stop, breathe, and take things in.
I want to erase my memory, so that I can forget
all of the bad things that happened in my life.
I want to swim through my past,
and re-live so many moments, re-do so many things.
I want to watch myself through the eyes of others,
so that I can see what they actually think of me.
I want everything to work.
Because I try so hard, and nothing ever goes my way.
I want to look at someone,
and believe them when they are promising me something.
I want that someone, to actually keep their promise.
I want everything to go back to the way it was,
even though I can't remember how it used to be.
I want so much more out of life,
but I will never be capable of half the things I wish to accomplish.
The train comes from around the bend.
I get on, confident,
knowing that I'm on to something better.
-written by me.

A Few of my Favorite Things.

The only things in life that matter,
are the things that matter most.
It's feeling the wind on your face.
Waking up refreshed after a good night sleep.
It's having someone compliment you.
The subtle touch on the arch of your back.
Woven hands, even if our palms are sweaty.
Roses. Just because.
The smell of a beautiful boy.
Waking up to a text that says "Hello Beautiful."
The taste of my mom's pasta with sauce.
When my brother talks to me like I'm his friend.
When my dad sings our song.
Doing gymnastics.
Getting an A on a paper,
after working on it for weeks.
Being in love. Completely and utterly in love.
The feeling when you can tell someone
is actually listening to you
when you're telling them a story.
Sharing and inside joke with someone.
Hugs. Kisses on the forehead. Cuddling.
The awkwardness of first dates,
but the comfort that comes on each date after.
Smiling to yourself after reading a cute text.
Feeling good about yourself.
They are the things that matter most,
Because they are the only things that matter.
-written by me

Bring On The Pain

The skeletons in my closet are over flowing
and I just want them to go away.
And I try so hard to make everything work
but the skeletons are getting bigger, and the space is getting smaller.
The door won't close anymore, and I can not bare to look.
My thoughts are thick with emotions,
and they cling to me like a wet t-shirts.
I can't even begin to explain what you put me through.
and now I'm living life so violently,
I used to eat too much and now I'm not eating at all.
Sleep seems to come easy, but waking up is hard.
Life was at a stand still and then it starting spinning again,
but the spinning was nothing new.
I got hurt. Really terribly hurt.
And when that happened,
something inside me shut off.
Life doesn't feel the same anymore.
And I've learned that "time doesn't heal the pain.
It just gives you... more time.
Time to push it to the back of your mind,
and time to learn how to deal with it.
But the pain, it always stays."
I just want the pain to go away.
I want the pain from everything I've ever felt to go away.
But I guess that "numbing the pain for a while,
will only make it worse when you finally feel it."
In that case, bring on the pain.
-written by me

Unknown

"I am not confident.

I know I'm smart, but not in the ways that count.

I read people much better than books,

but can never find the right words to explain my findings.

I'm only as funny as I feel,

and I do not think I'm pretty.

Most of the time, I walk with my head down,

and my posture is absolutely horrible.

I think terrible things about other people,

and I always let my emoitions get the best of me.

I'm really not as nice as I'd like to be,

or as innocent as you think I am."

I am overly sensative and not at all a morning person.

I am a perfectionist, in an extremely anal kind of way.

I am a dreamer, with little motivation.

I am really no good at all, on my own.

My thoughts always sound better in situations

where I don't really need them.

I am a contradiction to everything I want to stand for.

I want things to be more than just okay.

I want people to say what they mean and mean what they say.

I want the tension and awkwardness to be gone.

And maybe I'm trying to push you away,

because I feel horrible every time someone has to deal with

the terrible disaster that is everything I am.

I am a fucked up girl with a lot of heart, no direction,

and barely any sort of stability.

I want someone to look at me and tell me
that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to them,

and more than anything, I want them to mean it."
-unknown