Trying, hoping, and failing.

I'm trying to carve away the ice from around your heart.
I'm trying to turn the switch off in your brain,
so you can feel as vulnerable as I am right now.
I'm trying to prove to you that I could be worth it.
I want you to let go and let me in.
I'm trying to break down the walls
that you have built up over the years.
I hope that you find someone that makes
you feel like you can do anything when you're with them.
I hope that they make you feel infinite.
I hope that when you're together,
they always have one hand on you at all time,
as if to say "I am never ever leaving"
I hope they listen to every one of your stories,
and is always on your side.
I hope they let you listen to your favorite music
when you're in the car together,
even if it's different than their favorite music.
I hope that when you wake up,
they are the first person you want to text.
And when they go to sleep,
you're the last person that they think about.
I hope you find someone to break down the walls
that you have built up over the years.
I hope that you let go and let them in.
I hope you find someone who is worth it.
I hope that they leave you vulnerable,
and it scares you, but in a good way.
I hope that they carve the ice from around your heart.
I'm just sorry that person cannot be me.
-written by me

Always.

I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with.
Tell me why you loved them and if they loved you back.
Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you'd live through.
I want to know the first time you felt the weight of hate on your shoulders,
and if that day still trembles beneath your bones.
I want to know the first time you failed at something,
and if you tried again and again until you succeeded.
Tell me about every time you've ever cried.
I want to know what you think of your first name,
and why you love your mom so much.
Tell me what you dad does for a living,
and how many times you've been hurtful to your sister.
I want you to tell me all the ways you've been unkind.
Because I want to know more than just your favorite color.
I want to know how much of your life you spend giving,
and if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes.
I want to know the name of every girl that broke your heart,
and all of your pet peeves.
I want to know what it would be like to hold your hand in public.
I want to know what you think of love,
and if you agree that the word is used too often and not enough,
all at the same time.
I want to be there when you have good days,
so that in the future I can bring up what happened,
And we can be happy about it all over again.
I want to be there when you have bad days,
so I can take you to get ice cream,
because ice cream makes everyone feel better.
And if ice cream doesn't work,
I will sit there and let you cry on my shoulder.
Until all of the hurt is on my sweater
instead of building up inside of you.
I want to be there through everything.
I want to share these things with you and only you.
I want to see the best of you, and the worst of you.
So I can tell you that I choose both, always.
-written by me

To Infinity and Beyond.

In a world, where the word intimacy automatically means
so much less than what it was meant to mean.
And we store secrets in the depths of our souls,
because we can't really connect with people anymore.
With you, I just wanna hold hands.
Because you move me like God moves mountains.
Peel me open and read me like a book,
I want you to know my beginning, and my middle,
but I want you to be my end.
I want you to feel with me the way I feel on rollercoasters.
Because my stomach does flips when you're just standing next to me.
I want to get to know you from the neck up.
I want our minds to be intertwined,
with things I only tell my wet pillow at night.
I want to lust over your thoughts and your curves.
I want your hands to reach for the small of my back and my secrets.
I want to spell love g-i-v-e, because that's the way it should be.
There is so much of my body that you can see,
but so much more of my mind that I want to show you.
And I know I fumble my words, but it's because you make me nervous.
I promise I can be articulate if you would just give me a chance.
And I'm just a poet, trying to say you fascinate me,
to infinity and beyond.
-written by me

Gone.

You knew you couldn't have me,
and that's why you wanted me.
But now that you have me,
you don't want me anymore.
You promised your way into my life again.
You smooth talked your way into my raduis.
Rested your hand on my leg.
Nestled your lips onto my neck.
Slipped your hand under my shirt.
Gracefully unbutton my pants.
Kissed your way into me.
Took the only thing I have to give.
And I let you have it.
Because you have seen me at my worst and at my best.
And I have seen your rough edges and your perfect curves.
And I promised myself I wouldn't get attatched.
But here I am, trying to pull myself away.
Begging my ears to stop longing for your voice.
Asking my body to stop missing your touch.
Telling my head that I don't need you.
And now that I know that I don't need you,
you can't hurt me anymore.
A weight has been lifted from my shoulders
that I didn't think would ever go away.
You can never rely on someone else to make you happy.
Because that someone else will always let you down.
So the next time you think of me,
remember that you knew you couldn't have me,
and that's why you wanted me.
And then when you had me, you didn't want me.
So now I'm gone.
-written by me

Happiness.

I am bitter and outraged with how my life is turning out.
This is me, spilling my soul for anyone who cares to listen.
Life is hard. It punches you in the face,
waits until you're on the ground
and kicks you while you're down.
There is so much hurt all around me,
and it's getting to the point where it can't be fixed
by band aids or poetry or music.
It's hard to come up for air sometimes.
Because usually, I don't want to deal
with other people's happiness,
because I still have yet to find my own.
And this time, I can't even blame someone else
for my unhappiness.
I did this to myself,
and I don't know how to fix it.
Because the poetry I used to write,
and the bands I used to listen to,
and the gymnastics I used to do,
they don't help anymore.
Nothing helps anymore.
I am even willing to ruin someone else's happiness
for the sake of my own.
And when I wake up every morning,
there is a stranger staring back at me in the mirror.
I don't know who I am anymore.
My poetry professor was talking about someone he knew
that went on vacation to 'find themselves'.
He laughed at the idea and said, 'if you have to find yourself,
that's pretty sad. No one should have to find themselves'.
I was offended, because I still don't know where I am.
And what happens when the one person
who you feel like you can tell all of your problems to
has problems of their own?
Life is kicking me while I'm down,
and I can't seem to get back up.
And when I'm happy, everything seems to be so much better.
The sky is always blue, the grass is always green.
But when I'm not, the sky has a tint of grey all the time,
And the green makes my allergies go crazy.
I always put everyone in my life,
on this high pedestal.
And I'm always on the floor, kissing their feet.
I just want to connect with someone on a deeper level.
On a level that will have them choose to get off the pedestal,
take my hand, and make me feel infinite.
Someone who will say,
"No Christina, you come first in my life,
how about you take the pedestal,
because you deserve to be happy."
-written by me