A Few of my Favorite Things.

The only things in life that matter,
are the things that matter most.
It's feeling the wind on your face.
Waking up refreshed after a good night sleep.
It's having someone compliment you.
The subtle touch on the arch of your back.
Woven hands, even if our palms are sweaty.
Roses. Just because.
The smell of a beautiful boy.
Waking up to a text that says "Hello Beautiful."
The taste of my mom's pasta with sauce.
When my brother talks to me like I'm his friend.
When my dad sings our song.
Doing gymnastics.
Getting an A on a paper,
after working on it for weeks.
Being in love. Completely and utterly in love.
The feeling when you can tell someone
is actually listening to you
when you're telling them a story.
Sharing and inside joke with someone.
Hugs. Kisses on the forehead. Cuddling.
The awkwardness of first dates,
but the comfort that comes on each date after.
Smiling to yourself after reading a cute text.
Feeling good about yourself.
They are the things that matter most,
Because they are the only things that matter.
-written by me

Bring On The Pain

The skeletons in my closet are over flowing
and I just want them to go away.
And I try so hard to make everything work
but the skeletons are getting bigger, and the space is getting smaller.
The door won't close anymore, and I can not bare to look.
My thoughts are thick with emotions,
and they cling to me like a wet t-shirts.
I can't even begin to explain what you put me through.
and now I'm living life so violently,
I used to eat too much and now I'm not eating at all.
Sleep seems to come easy, but waking up is hard.
Life was at a stand still and then it starting spinning again,
but the spinning was nothing new.
I got hurt. Really terribly hurt.
And when that happened,
something inside me shut off.
Life doesn't feel the same anymore.
And I've learned that "time doesn't heal the pain.
It just gives you... more time.
Time to push it to the back of your mind,
and time to learn how to deal with it.
But the pain, it always stays."
I just want the pain to go away.
I want the pain from everything I've ever felt to go away.
But I guess that "numbing the pain for a while,
will only make it worse when you finally feel it."
In that case, bring on the pain.
-written by me

Unknown

"I am not confident.

I know I'm smart, but not in the ways that count.

I read people much better than books,

but can never find the right words to explain my findings.

I'm only as funny as I feel,

and I do not think I'm pretty.

Most of the time, I walk with my head down,

and my posture is absolutely horrible.

I think terrible things about other people,

and I always let my emoitions get the best of me.

I'm really not as nice as I'd like to be,

or as innocent as you think I am."

I am overly sensative and not at all a morning person.

I am a perfectionist, in an extremely anal kind of way.

I am a dreamer, with little motivation.

I am really no good at all, on my own.

My thoughts always sound better in situations

where I don't really need them.

I am a contradiction to everything I want to stand for.

I want things to be more than just okay.

I want people to say what they mean and mean what they say.

I want the tension and awkwardness to be gone.

And maybe I'm trying to push you away,

because I feel horrible every time someone has to deal with

the terrible disaster that is everything I am.

I am a fucked up girl with a lot of heart, no direction,

and barely any sort of stability.

I want someone to look at me and tell me
that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to them,

and more than anything, I want them to mean it."
-unknown

I Am Me

I am a daughter, a sister, a cousin,
a niece, a grandchild and a friend.
I am an acquaintance who is never noticed
and would rather stay that way.
I want to be more than what I am,
but I don’t have the confidence to do so.
I come from the city that never sleeps,
but I would rather spend my free time sleeping.
I am a gymnast who is way too critical of everything she does.
I wish I could say I am a lover and not a fighter,
but my temper flares when I get upset.
I come from a so-called "rich" town
that can’t afford to give out rulers in their math classes.
I care way too much about way too many things,
and there are never enough hours in the day
for all the things I wish to accomplish.
I want to write something beautiful;
something that everyone could relate to,
but my emotions come out faster
than my hand can write them down.
I have been writing ever since I can remember,
but my thoughts tend to sound so much better
in all of the poems that I didn’t write.
I am learning that petty high school drama is over-rated.
I am ready to grow up.
But I am afraid of the future and what it brings,
time is moving way too fast.
I don’t like scary movies and I am terrified of the dark.
Maybe I am not so ready to grow up.
Every emotion is flying out all at once.
I don’t know how to say what I feel when I feel it.
And I always think of better things to say
after the moment to say them has already passed.
My past is so intricately woven
because I've built up these walls and I refuse to let anyone in.
Most of the people I have let in have stabbed me in the back and left.
During these past 4 years in high school
I’ve made some of my best friends and my worst enemies
But I’m not sorry for anything I’ve done in the past
because I’ve always stayed true to myself.
I am a daughter, a sister, a cousin,
a niece, a grandchild and a friend.
I am who I am, and no one is going to change me.


written April 23, 2010 but I forgot to post it.

24 hours.

And every night when I know I can't talk to you,
Because you're probably out getting wasted,
Or high, or God only knows what else...
I take out my phone. scroll down to the inbox.
5 messages that will never be erased.
5 messages from you.
message #1:
"You know I care about you right.
I would never do anything to hurt you."
a friendship of roughly 7 years.
this was something solid.
something I wanted to believe in.
something I needed to believe in.
was it ever really true?
message #2:
"Relax kid your my best friend :)"
When I read this one I was at work.
Buying something.
My best friend was my cashier.
She might not remember the smile on my face.
or how big it was, but I do.
You used to call me kid,
it was the little nickname you gave me.
And only me.
I notice you call other people kid now.
have you replaced me that easily?
message #3:
"do you understand how much it would upset me if you died!"
this one makes me laugh.
because I was on the brink of suicide.
and you didn't move a muscle,
to try and stop me.
message #4:
"No Christina. I'm never going to leave you. I promise."
My personal favorite.
Biggest lie ever conceived by one human being alone.
broken promise number 582.
message #5:
"I'm sorry I'm the worst friend in the world.
Like really sorry. I feel like a complete asshole.
I'm probably making it worse,
by texting you at 1 in the morning
but I just wanted to tell you.
its kinda weird not talking to you
all the time and i don't like that :(
well if you ever forgive me. text me anytime."
you sent this text message the day before you told me,
you couldn't be friends with me anymore.
Not that you didn't want to be friends with me,
but that you couldn't.
which are two totally different things.
two things I feel are crucial to this story.
am I ever going to know what changed your mind?
in those short 24 hours?
Yes I've memorized them.
and yeah, I should probably erase them.
but they mean more to me,
than anything in this world ever could.
because who knew that in those short 24 hours,
you would, for arguments sake,
get struck by a lightningbult,
and that, in turn, rewired your ability
to care about the ones who love you the most?
who knew that in those 24 hours,
I would go from your best friend
to "someone who shouldn't talk to you anymore,
because you've changed so much."
who knew someone could change so much in 24 hours?
but then again, in those 24 hours,
I went from low-self-esteem nobody,
to worthless suicidal break down.
And believe it or not,
These 5 little messages saved me.
Because they remind me of,
regardless of weather you're the same person or not,
my best friend.
because in those short 24 hours.
I lost my best friend.
So 24 more hours pass and you're still not here.
and I take each 24 hours one step at a time.
Laughing at some memories, crying at most.
And for each 24 hours that pass,
Those 5 messages remind me of another 24 hours,
you weren't there - even when you promised that you would be.
another 24 hours, you don't care that I might be dead.
another 24 hours, I'm not your best friend anymore.
and another 24 hours that you're still mine.
So I was delt the bad hand, again.
And I should have known from those words,
that you wouldn't want to be a part of my life.
Everyone who doesn't desserve it,
is surrounded by people who could mean
the world to someone so much better.
I think I've had more than my fair share
of hurt and betrayal. And I thought you agreed.
In not such a short time you have altered me.
And I would greatly appreciate your compassion.
Just for 24 more hours.
-written by me.