Happiness.

I am bitter and outraged with how my life is turning out.
This is me, spilling my soul for anyone who cares to listen.
Life is hard. It punches you in the face,
waits until you're on the ground
and kicks you while you're down.
There is so much hurt all around me,
and it's getting to the point where it can't be fixed
by band aids or poetry or music.
It's hard to come up for air sometimes.
Because usually, I don't want to deal
with other people's happiness,
because I still have yet to find my own.
And this time, I can't even blame someone else
for my unhappiness.
I did this to myself,
and I don't know how to fix it.
Because the poetry I used to write,
and the bands I used to listen to,
and the gymnastics I used to do,
they don't help anymore.
Nothing helps anymore.
I am even willing to ruin someone else's happiness
for the sake of my own.
And when I wake up every morning,
there is a stranger staring back at me in the mirror.
I don't know who I am anymore.
My poetry professor was talking about someone he knew
that went on vacation to 'find themselves'.
He laughed at the idea and said, 'if you have to find yourself,
that's pretty sad. No one should have to find themselves'.
I was offended, because I still don't know where I am.
And what happens when the one person
who you feel like you can tell all of your problems to
has problems of their own?
Life is kicking me while I'm down,
and I can't seem to get back up.
And when I'm happy, everything seems to be so much better.
The sky is always blue, the grass is always green.
But when I'm not, the sky has a tint of grey all the time,
And the green makes my allergies go crazy.
I always put everyone in my life,
on this high pedestal.
And I'm always on the floor, kissing their feet.
I just want to connect with someone on a deeper level.
On a level that will have them choose to get off the pedestal,
take my hand, and make me feel infinite.
Someone who will say,
"No Christina, you come first in my life,
how about you take the pedestal,
because you deserve to be happy."
-written by me

Regain Control.

No one can help get me out of this funk that I am constantly in.
My thoughts are thick with emotions, they cling to me like wet t-shirts
I'm searching for answers that can't be found in the places I am looking.
I want things to happen but I don't want to wait for them.
It's the uphill battle that sets you up for the downward spiral.
Beating to the hours of the night that turn into morning,
and then I didn't get any sleep, but that didn't bother me anymore.
There's a knock at the door, but I don't want to get up.
And I don't feel like being in the company of the people,
whom I used to crave attention from.
And sometimes I feel infinite. Like I can do anything.
But recently, those times are few and far between.
I've had ups and downs but my downs are getting lower,
and my ups aren't so high anymore.
And I keep telling myself I would rather
never to have loved at all, than to have loved and lost,
because I feel more down today, than ever before.
So far down, and I'm trying to climb my way up but I can't,
I keep slipping further and further into the depths of the unknown.
Because I don't know how to make the pain stop,
Sometimes I don't even know if I want it to stop,
because that's all I've known for a long while.
It's the uphill battle that sets you up for the downward spiral.
and then all of a sudden, the world stopped spinning.
everything came into perspective and nothing mattered anymore.
The uphill battle set me up for the downward spiral.
The downward spiral took over, and I don't know how
to regain control.
-written by me.

Being alone really does feel as awful as it sounds.

As I sit alone, waiting for the train,
I’ve had so many words and no courage.
I am a lack of inspiration lately,
maybe that's why I've been feeling so lost.
I want to scrape down into the depths of my soul,
and find what I've been looking for all this time.
I want to hollow out the cavity where my heart is,
so that it can't make decisions for me anymore.
I want to remove my brain,
so that it can't overthink things.
I want my mind to stop,
picking apart everything anyone has ever said to me.
I want to stop going over these moments in my head,
that keep me awake at night; they make me sick.
I want to have more self control,
so I can stop, breathe, and take things in.
I want to erase my memory, so that I can forget
all of the bad things that happened in my life.
I want to swim through my past,
and re-live so many moments, re-do so many things.
I want to watch myself through the eyes of others,
so that I can see what they actually think of me.
I want everything to work.
Because I try so hard, and nothing ever goes my way.
I want to look at someone,
and believe them when they are promising me something.
I want that someone, to actually keep their promise.
I want everything to go back to the way it was,
even though I can't remember how it used to be.
I want so much more out of life,
but I will never be capable of half the things I wish to accomplish.
The train comes from around the bend.
I get on, confident,
knowing that I'm on to something better.
-written by me.

A Few of my Favorite Things.

The only things in life that matter,
are the things that matter most.
It's feeling the wind on your face.
Waking up refreshed after a good night sleep.
It's having someone compliment you.
The subtle touch on the arch of your back.
Woven hands, even if our palms are sweaty.
Roses. Just because.
The smell of a beautiful boy.
Waking up to a text that says "Hello Beautiful."
The taste of my mom's pasta with sauce.
When my brother talks to me like I'm his friend.
When my dad sings our song.
Doing gymnastics.
Getting an A on a paper,
after working on it for weeks.
Being in love. Completely and utterly in love.
The feeling when you can tell someone
is actually listening to you
when you're telling them a story.
Sharing and inside joke with someone.
Hugs. Kisses on the forehead. Cuddling.
The awkwardness of first dates,
but the comfort that comes on each date after.
Smiling to yourself after reading a cute text.
Feeling good about yourself.
They are the things that matter most,
Because they are the only things that matter.
-written by me

Bring On The Pain

The skeletons in my closet are over flowing
and I just want them to go away.
And I try so hard to make everything work
but the skeletons are getting bigger, and the space is getting smaller.
The door won't close anymore, and I can not bare to look.
My thoughts are thick with emotions,
and they cling to me like a wet t-shirts.
I can't even begin to explain what you put me through.
and now I'm living life so violently,
I used to eat too much and now I'm not eating at all.
Sleep seems to come easy, but waking up is hard.
Life was at a stand still and then it starting spinning again,
but the spinning was nothing new.
I got hurt. Really terribly hurt.
And when that happened,
something inside me shut off.
Life doesn't feel the same anymore.
And I've learned that "time doesn't heal the pain.
It just gives you... more time.
Time to push it to the back of your mind,
and time to learn how to deal with it.
But the pain, it always stays."
I just want the pain to go away.
I want the pain from everything I've ever felt to go away.
But I guess that "numbing the pain for a while,
will only make it worse when you finally feel it."
In that case, bring on the pain.
-written by me