Happiness.

I am bitter and outraged with how my life is turning out.
This is me, spilling my soul for anyone who cares to listen.
Life is hard. It punches you in the face,
waits until you're on the ground
and kicks you while you're down.
There is so much hurt all around me,
and it's getting to the point where it can't be fixed
by band aids or poetry or music.
It's hard to come up for air sometimes.
Because usually, I don't want to deal
with other people's happiness,
because I still have yet to find my own.
And this time, I can't even blame someone else
for my unhappiness.
I did this to myself,
and I don't know how to fix it.
Because the poetry I used to write,
and the bands I used to listen to,
and the gymnastics I used to do,
they don't help anymore.
Nothing helps anymore.
I am even willing to ruin someone else's happiness
for the sake of my own.
And when I wake up every morning,
there is a stranger staring back at me in the mirror.
I don't know who I am anymore.
My poetry professor was talking about someone he knew
that went on vacation to 'find themselves'.
He laughed at the idea and said, 'if you have to find yourself,
that's pretty sad. No one should have to find themselves'.
I was offended, because I still don't know where I am.
And what happens when the one person
who you feel like you can tell all of your problems to
has problems of their own?
Life is kicking me while I'm down,
and I can't seem to get back up.
And when I'm happy, everything seems to be so much better.
The sky is always blue, the grass is always green.
But when I'm not, the sky has a tint of grey all the time,
And the green makes my allergies go crazy.
I always put everyone in my life,
on this high pedestal.
And I'm always on the floor, kissing their feet.
I just want to connect with someone on a deeper level.
On a level that will have them choose to get off the pedestal,
take my hand, and make me feel infinite.
Someone who will say,
"No Christina, you come first in my life,
how about you take the pedestal,
because you deserve to be happy."
-written by me