June 17, 2009

Safe

There are some hearts that never mend once they are broken.
And I wish I had someone to permanently fix the hurt.
I think everybody should like everybody
Because life would just be easier that way.
With my head held high, I'll pretend I'm okay without you.
But I pray that one day, you'll realize how much you need me.
Flying through your mind, you're everyone else's now,
And I don't know how much more of that I can take.
Statistics have shown that this month,
Restaurant sales have gone down,
And bar sales have gone up.
Maybe I'm not the only one that's as lonely as I am.
I am infinitely fascinated by how everyone loves each other,
but no one really likes each other.
I could give you everything I am,
and still fall short of how amazing you are.
I am quick to judge and I fall too easily, I know.
But you're the closest thing to perfect and the farthest thing from me.
Sometimes, the most beautiful things
Come out of the ugliest situations.
I'm taking bits and pieces of nothing and stinging them together,
With the hope that it will make you understand.
"so that was it. all this buildup to a great leap, and I didn't fall or fly.
Instead I found myself back on the edge of the cliff,
blinking, wondering if I had even jumped at all.
It wasn't supposed to be like this."
And then, I started to cry.
But it wasn't a 'I miss you - please be with me' cry.
It was more like a 'I'm so lost - I don't know what to do anymore' cry.
Everything was happening all at once, and I couldn't handle it.
No one had ever seen that besides the posters on my bedroom walls.
And I hate myself for loosing it like I did, But I couldn't help it.
You were there, and as soon as the first tear streamed down my face.
You pulled me into you, hard. And you held me tight.
And it was like nothing I had ever felt before.
You whispered that everything was going to be okay.
And I had never believed anything so much in my whole life.
"I just want you to hug me like that, one more time,
because the only thing in this world that scares me,
is that I'll never feel that safe - ever again."
-written by me

June 8, 2009

Strength (noun) - mental power or courage

"It was him not fighting for me.
I gave him every ultimatum and he let me walk away.
I didn't want a life separate from him,
But that's all he would give me.
It's like he's driving a car,
And I just want to be in the passenger seat.
But he's locked the door and I have to hold onto the bumper.
And I'm not even asking him to open the door for me,
Just leave it unlocked and say "come in"
But he won't even do that.
So here I am, hanging on to the bumper.
And life goes on and the car goes on.
And I'm getting really badly bruised.
And I'm hitting potholes.
And it hurts.
It really hurts."
And I wish I had the strength to let go of the bumper.
But I can't.
Because I'm not like him.
Because if I was driving,
I wouldn't make him hang on to the bumper,
like he's making me.
I would never want to put him through that pain.
Because I know how horrible it feels.
I wish he would just open the door.
Because it hurts.
It really hurts.
And what's even worse is that I know
why he won't open the door.
He won't open the door because of me.
Because of who I am.
And I don't understand because he used to love me.
But I guess time has changed me for the worst.
So I'll wish on every lucky penny, every shooting star,
I'll blow out the candles and make the same birthday wish
I have made for the past 6 years.
So even though I have hung on for so long,
because of what time has done to us and to him,
He locked the door because of what time has done to us and to me.
And I'll keep holding on to that bumper, for as long as I can.
Because I'm not giving up on him like he gave up on me,
Even though each bruise is getting bigger,
and each pothole is getting deeper.
I don't have the strength to let him go.
-written by me

June 2, 2009

Let Me Sleep Some More.

I woke up abruptly and everything was spinning.
And now nothing makes sense.
But I guess it wasn't supposed to.
If I were the sand and you were the ocean,
The moon would be the reason why you're pulled to me.
I sleep so I don't have to feel the truth,
That you might not ever want me back.
Even though you need me.
I hope dreams come when I die so we can talk.
But I won't ever wake up.
I'll ask you how your life turned out without me.
I want everything and nothing all at the same time.
And my thoughts tend to sound so much better,
in the things I didn't write, and the songs I didn't sing.
And I'll die a little more, everyday,
In perfect increments.
I'll refuse to let go of what I so love.
My words come out in choppy fragments,
And you're the only one who understands.
Being alone really is as awful as it sounds.
But my brain and my heart work in perfect harmony.
They let the words dance along the page,
faster than my hands can play the music.
Everything hurts.
Let the love linger on every word,
That was exchanged in the silence that night.
Soothing hands touch my face.
I'll never be the same, I'm so messed up.
I'm starting to breathe heavy now.
Everything is moving even faster;
Make it stop, make it stop.
I'm shaking, I can't control anything.
Look me in the eyes and tell me there is
No one you'd rather be with.
I sleep so I can hear things like that.
I'm in a bad nightmare,
And I just wish I could wake up.
I don't want you to ever think,
that you want something more,
something better.
I wish I would be it for you,
like you are it for me.
But I guess that's not how this was supposed to work.
I wish I could write something.
Something more, Something beautiful.
Promise me you won't forget.
I just can't do this without you.
I want to keep going,
but I can't think straight anymore.
slow down, slow down.
Hush baby, it's okay now.
Let me sleep some more.
-written by me