July 17, 2008

I Don't Think I'm Ever Coming Back.

And it's funny because I need you now more than ever, and you don't even care. It's funny that I need anyone right now more than ever and everyone has other things to worry about. And I realize now that you should not put all your faith and trust in one person because they are sure to let you down. I've learned that happy endings don't come to everyone, even the ones who need it the most. But a good friend told me that if it's not okay, than it's not the end. Then I guess it's not the end for me because things are anything but okay. I wish things were okay. I wish things weren't as they turned out to be. And I wish you still cared. But I've wished for a lot of things in my life that never came true. And the word "us" no longer exist, but then again the word "us" was never really in the picture to begin with. And if I said that it cracks me up that you say every line you've ever fed me was a lie, I'd be lying just as plainly as you were. Because the truth is, you really hurt me. And the horrible part is that you don't even care. I'm dead to you, and you claim that everything you've ever felt for me is gone. It's cold at night without the warmth of your words to put me to sleep. I lay awake thinking of you with her... She's cooler than me because she drives, She's skinner than me because she runs, and she's blonde but you're convinced she has a brain. She shows up one day when you're home alone. You haven't had sex in months and you've been fighting a lot lately. She leads you to your room and shuts the door behind you. She kisses you passionately and you love it. She glides out of her little black dress as you take off the white polo shirt I bought you and they both hit the ground without a second though. She unbuttons your light blue jeans, and they fall on top of her dress and your shirt. All clothes are off now as you fuck the girl you claim to love. Your parents shouldn't be home for another hour so you get to make up for lost time. And if you told anyone your relationship was healthy, it would be a lie because the only time you're not fighting is when you're having sex. And after all we've been through I still can't say that I got the boy in the end. I can't eat, I can't sleep. And I'm still the last thing to cross your mind when you get up every morning, If I'm lucky enough to cross your mind at all. So if this is goodbye forever I wanted to wish you happiness with her, because I do still love you with every bone in my body. And when it comes down to it the most important thing to me is that you are happy. And I still believe you're wrong for each other and I hope you find that out the hard way. But for now I'll sit here and pretend like I wouldn't rather be in your arms than here writing this. I'll pretend like I don't miss you even though I do. And I'll pretend like I never fell for you in the first place, even if I hit rock bottom and I don't think I'm ever coming back. -written by me.

July 10, 2008

If You're Happy or Not.

And after spilling her heart out all he could say was that he didn't want to talk about it. she figured it was because he knew the truth was too hard for her to hear, and that she'd do something he'd regret if he told her what the truth actually was. And that's right because she asked and her heart wished on the answer that should have been said but her head knew the answer that was to come. And she was abruptly overwhelmed by a feeling that she was more than used to feeling by now, but it was a little different this time, because she really did love him. And all he said was that nothing anyone could say would change it. She thinks about hurting herself. It would be better than her heart getting hurt and then maybe he would see. Lifting up her arm to show him several scars that scream of self inflicted wounds. But he also said that nothing can break love. And it's true, nothing can. because even though he broke my heart with his hurtful words, i still love him. But for someone who wants to be a writer, I can't put into words what I feel or why I feel it. And it's funny because I never can, and I'm still not looking for another carreer. I think it's because since no one ever loved me. The only thing that ever made sence to me was the things I read. The quotes. The song lyrics. And I guess, my mind set is that if there are people in this world who helped me get through my hard times with what they wrote, maybe I can help people too. I want to be the song someone listens to and feels. I want to be the quote someone is moved by. I want to be the book someone opens and learns from. Maybe they'll learn from the countless mistakes I have made. And yeah, I still want him. And yeah I'll probably wait. But I still wish things would have turned out differently. Or better yet, I wish I've never seen movies like Cinderella or Snow White. What is a happily ever after anyway? My stories would never have an abnormally happy endings like all those fairytales did becuase even if you do get your happy ending it's never as obnoxiously happy as it was in those fairytales we so adored as children. And I don't know where I'm going with this. But she is heartbroken and she's not just gonna let this go. And she's sorry that she's not good enough but she's not sorry that she isn't going to change for anything or anyone. So there you go, not all stories have happy endings. Not everything's going to be butterflies and rainbows. And not everyone is going care if you're happy or not. -written by me

July 5, 2008

You Can't Lose What You Never Had.

No ending is okay, because it shouldn't be an ending at all. Press yourself into me, I want to feel your breathing. And my clothes, they smell like you and I can't sleep. Sing to me lies, because you're the one who's changed. Let me linger on every word that you've ever fed me. And it's hard to smile when I see you, because I miss the sound of your voice. And it's hard to watch you love every other girl but me. Did she taste good? was she gentle or do you like it rough? And as I watch you turn into the person you promised you'd never be. I'll just sit here and pretend not to care. And it's okay because I figured I would never be good enough for you. My heart converses with my head, but they can't agree on anything. "we accept the love we think we deserve." And I haven't accepted anything because I still feel like I'm worthless. I can't breathe when you're touching me and I suffocate when you're away from me. And my lips, they tremble as I cry, begging for you to stay. Lost words of love and lust creep into the darkness. Because you left me for her and that's what's on my mind. And I hope you find what you're missing... Even if what you're missing is right in front of you. Do you tell me you love me because you know I'll do something you'll regret if you don't? It's a cold, hard road when you wake up, and I don't think that I have the strength to let you go. I promised you I'd wait, and I don't make promises that I can't keep. Even though it hurts to think about you now. Listen to me talk like you were ever even close to being mine. As whispers are exchanged in the silence; "I can't let you go, I can't let you go." And breathing around you is getting harder. I try hard not to shake as I bite my tongue; because blood in my mouth is better than tears on the ground. I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say that there was no one else you could ever be with, and that you'd rather be alone than be without me. but you didn't. you wanted her. and I want left to lose you. but you can't lose what you never had to begin with. -written by me.