December 10, 2007

And All of This for Him.

She fell in, and he fell out, but it doesn't matter anymore. Because she needed him to catch her, but he was no longer there. He was off doing other things. And the promise he made is a kind of lie now. And in her opinion, lying is the worst. But how he acts, and what he says, and what he does, and who he is. They don't line up anymore. She doesn't know him anymore. She has so much left to say to him. And all she ever wishes was that things were different. The envy is killing her, and it's obvious. Someday, she's going to cross his mind. But he'll brush the thought away, like it was dust on the desk in his room, and in the drawer of that desk, hides all the things she's ever given for him. The Cd's, the letters, everything. He hid them so he'll never have to remember. His secret is that deep down he misses her. Her secret is hidden in an envelope that she wrote his name on in big black letters. She hid it in her desk, where she knew no one would find it, not even her. She hid it so she wouldn't have to remember either. But unfortunately, all she can remember is all she can't forget. Everything she was afraid of happening, happened. The things she loved became the things she misses. And she wonders how many times people forgive, just so they don't have to loose someone, even if that person doesn't deserve forgiveness. And after all of this, she doesn’t know much. But she does know that, someone doesn't have to be perfect, to be everything you need. And even if that person doesn’t deserve forgiveness, you will forgive them, because in your eyes, they are perfect. She has known such great pain; nothing like self inflicted wounds, but in her opinion worse. She has been unloved and unwanted. Let down and stabbed in the back. She has cried countless tears over one boy or another. And she just wishes that someone would understand. She has forgiven everyone that has ever hurt her because she believes that being nice to someone is easier than being mean. She believes that the world would be so much simpler if everyone could just be nice to one another, but that would only happen if life was perfect. Unfortunately, life is not perfect and the real world is an unforgiving place. Don Miller says "we are called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding." But it is a peculiar nature of this unforgiving world to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening. She fell in, and he fell out, but it doesn't matter anymore. He is off doing other things and forgetting to remember all the good memories but selecting to remember all the bad. All she can remember is all she can’t forget; both memories good and bad. Broken paper hearts and fallen angels. And at times, she can't see right in front of her. Wasted moments, trying to be someone she never wanted to be. And all of this for him. -written by me.

December 4, 2007

"To Write Love on her Arms."

Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."


I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.


Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.


She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.


The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.


She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.


I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes.


Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show.


She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies.


On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.


Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired.


After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff.


She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.


As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."


I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.


We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.


We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.


I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.

-written by Jamie Tworkowski

December 2, 2007

"And I Never Did Stop."

she rides her bike more,
now that the weather is getting cold.
she's found a shortcut to his house,
and she finds she goes there more and more.
she sits though, just watching the house.
not actually letting him know she's there.
but as the world has rejects her, more and more.
she walks up his lawn and bangs on the door.
he opens the door with a confused look on his face.
he steps outside as it begins to rain.
"do you ever think of me anymore?" she wispers.
pretending he didn't hear her,
he asks to repeat what she said.
"do you ever think of me anymore?" she says a little louder.
he just looks at her and stairs.
she shakes her head and turns to walk away.
"i'm so stupid," she says as she turns.
he grabs her arm, still says nothing.
it starts to rain harder.
she looks at him and he looks at her.
he knows he should say something, anything,
but he doesn't.
it rains harder.
she cries, harder than she ever has before.
"look at me, and tell me you don't love me anymore,"
she screams over the rain.
"LOOK AT ME AND TELL ME ALL WE HAD WAS NOT FOR NOTHING."
he begins to cry as well, but he still says nothing.
"I'm sorry," she wispers again. "I'm sorry for everything."
she turns to leave once more.
he grabs her harder now and pulls her face twards his.
he looks her in the eyes and kisses her pationatly.
"I still love you," he says. "and I never did stop."
-written by me.

November 8, 2007

Almost a Year Now.

Last year, before the leaves disappeared,
you told me I was the only one for you.
Last year, before the snow started to fall,
you told me you would never leave.
Last year, when the air went cold,
you told me you loved me.
But the leaves are falling again and you have someone else.
That snow is now gone, just like you.
The air is just starting to cool down again,
and you love anyone but me.
And now the leaves are back,
but starting to fall again, and we're over.
And it all slipped away so slowly.
And I've learned that you don't know what you've got until it's gone.
People don't know how lucky they are if you're in their lives.
And I dispise people who take you for granted.
I've tried to say all the things I want to say,
but it never comes out right.
It always sounds like some corny love poem.
It's deeper than that, and you'll never understand.
and I'm still here, waiting, for you to listen to the real me.
This is me, the one who I wished you could know.
And all I ever do is wish that things were different.
The envy of her talking to you, laughing with you, touching you.
Oh the envy of her is killing me.
Almost a year now, and I wonder if you still care.
Almost a year now, and I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
Almost a year now, and I wonder if you ever remember my name.

Ask Her.

she's not like that now. she knows better.
she knows now that people life sometimes leave,
and promises can be broken as quick as they're made.
she undestands that she might never be loved,
and too quickly good things fly in front of your eyes
beore you can reach out and grab them.
she knows that you can't change or help time,
so every now and then it will just run out.
there isn't a place for everyone in the world,
so if you're standing alone for a while,
that's why.
not everything in life comes easy,
but when you work the hardest, that's when it's the best.
you can't always expect people to care,
and even when your best friends stab you in the front,
don't think for one minute, that they didn't already aim for your back.
they missed for a reason.
she has found out too soon, that in the end, you're your own best friend.
everyone will be broken at some point in their life,
and more often than not it's going to hurt like hell, but you can't stop it.
you can't change your fate. some things are meant to be.
and all the pain you go through, will end up resulting in something huge.
you don't know what it is and when it happens,
it will hit you like a ton of bricks.
at some point, when you have experienced everything you can,
the words life and risk, won't mean anything to you anymore,
but don't try to change that. stuff like that is meant to happen.
over time, certain things no longer have an affect on you,
and that happens because, that's the way it's supposed to be.
but you'll learn later in life when little things,
like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter, beware.
it might catch you off guard and happen sooner.
I mean, ask her... she knows.
-unknown.

October 21, 2007

The Problem; Me.

We both enjoyed talking again.
The problem; I was falling for you.
We both liked being friends.
The problem; I wanted to be more.
My friend told you I liked you.
The problem; you had a girlfriend.
You told me you liked me too.
The problem; you liked your girlfriend just as much.
Your girlfriend broke up with you.
The problem; you weren't ready for a relationship.
You were going to ask me out soon.
The problem; I couldn't wait any longer.
We were finally together.
The problem; I was too attached.
You got grounded for a month.
The problem; I missed you.
You finally got ungrounded.
The problem; We couldn't hang out.
We got into a fight because of it.
The problem; I sent you over the edge.
You wouldn't talk to me.
The problem; I was so annoying.
You broke up with me.
The problem; I couldn't let it go.
We both said that we could never be with anyone else.
The problem; I didn't lie.
We both promised to stay together forever.
The problem; forever was too short.
So now we're nothing.
The problem; Me
-written by me.

October 13, 2007

I'm sorry I can't just unlove you.

I can go through everything that has happened between us.
It's like one of those bad movies.
You've seen it so many times and you know all the words,
and you don't know why you watch it over and over, but you do.
Everyday I make sure to watch the "bad movie,"
so I don't forget. I don't want to forget.
And it's funny because I seem to watch,
the bad parts more than the good parts.
Each day thinking how I could have changed what happened.
You're moving on and I can tell.
But I'm stuck watching this same bad movie. all alone.
It's like one of those silent, black and white movies.
and I'm in the middle of it, watching myself screw up.
I scream but no one hears me. I cry but no one sees.
I watch us lay on my bed. And I touch your face. I can feel the warmth.
It fast fowards to when we're not a "we" anymore.
I watch myself watch you walk down the hall.
The me in the movie just stares at the unfamiliar face,
and starts to tear a little.
The real me runs up to you, stops, and stares as well.
The look on the real me is blank and confused.
I reach out and touch your face.
Your warmth is gone. Your face is unfirmiliar and cold.
I'm watching myself get my heart broken.
But there's nothing I can do.
Everything is in fast foward but our unfirmiliar faces.
I've changed for you and you've changed as well, only not for me.
You're different now, and I hate it.
I'm lost without you, and you know it. Everything is wrong.
But still, I watch myself cry.
I watch myself become more and more lost.
Everyday I watch us in the hall
Sometimes you notice me, most times you don't.
The movie me doesn't bother with anything anymore.
The real me screams louder.
"GO TALK TO HIM. TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM. GET HIM BACK"
Movie me hears this time.
Looks up and says, "give up. It's hopeless."
The real me is my heart,
Watching the bad things happen, wanting him back.
The movie me is my head,
Knowing there is no chance, gradually giving up.
But still I watch the movie.
Never letting go of the memories that mean so much to me.
"I can't unthink about you.
I can't unhear all those words, that meant so much to me.
Or unsay all the words, that i thought meant so much to you.
I wish i could unremember, all the things my heart has been through.
But i'm finding out it's impossible to do. I'm sorry I can't just unlove you."
-written by me.

More favorite quotes.

  • "To realize the value of 10 years, ask a newly divorced couple. To realize the value of 4 years, ask a graduate. To realize the value of 1 year, ask a student who failed the final exam. To realize the value of nine months, ask a mother who gave birth to a new Born. To realize the value of 1 month, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby. To realize the value of one week, ask an editorof a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of 1 Hour, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of 1 minute ask aperson who has missed the train. To realize the value of one second, ask a person who has survived a car accident. To realize the value of 1 millisecond, ask the person who has just won silver in the Olympics. To realize the value of a friend, lose one."
  • "I want to scream everything he has ever done to hurt me, his is unspeakably cruel. But I am too desperatley in love, and I'll never say a word."
  • "and why do people think it's okay for them to do horrible things to others, as long as they apologize afterwards?"
  • "and then her eyes screamed the saddest apology this side of town has ever heard."
  • "I can't unthink about you. I can't unhear all those words, that meant so much to me. Or unsay all the words that I thought meant so much to you. I wish I could unremember all the things my heart has been through. But i'm finding out it's impossible to do. I'm sorry I can't just unlove you."
  • "it's funny how hello is always accompaniedwith goodbye, It's funny how good memories can start to make you cry. It's funny how forever never really seems to last, it's funny how much you would lose if you forgot your past. It's funny how friends can just leave you when you're down. It's funny how when you need someone they're never around. It's funny how people change & think they're so much better, it's funny how many lies can be packed in one "love letter." It's funny how people forgive even though they can't forget, It's funny how one lonely night can contain so much regret. It's funny how ironic lifeturns out to be, but the funniest part of all, is none of that seems funny to me."
  • "Pile up too many tomorrow's, & you'll find that you've collected nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays."
  • "as she walked down the gloomy street, it was as if the world had shunned her. & tears of rejection lay, unnoticed on her sunken cheeks."
  • "I wonder if the sun has risen where you are. It's morning time, i miss your hands on my skin; this bed's too big without you."
  • "it's the tragic story of a shallow boy with the girl who see's way too much in him. The story of the boy who turned her downbecause she just wasn't pretty enough."
  • "people ask me why it's so hard to trust anyone & i ask them why is it so hard to keep a promise."
  • "I know that I should just let go, walk away, and not look back. But, I don't think I could handle knowing that you wouldn't care if I did."

September 30, 2007

The best part of believe is the lie.

I can see it now…
He’s asking her out in person, unlike me who couldn’t wait.
They talk more, unlike me who did all the talking.
He calls her more, because she’s more fun to talk to.
They hang out more, because he’s falling for her.
He goes over her house, they lay on her bed... and they kiss gently.
She slides out of her shirt, he awkwardly takes off his.
He caresses her stomach and unhooks her bra.
He runs his hands through her hair and kisses her forehead.
She lays her head on his chest and listens to his heartbeat.
He tells her he loves her, and this time, he means it.
They go further than me and him ever went.
And he’s happier with her.
I couldn’t give him it all, she could.
She trusts him, he trusts her.
I see him in school and we exchange glances.
My look says “I miss you, when are you coming back?”
His look is blank and unfamiliar.
She’s standing next to him, smile on her face.
My eyes scream "you promised!"
But he doesn't even notice me anymore, I'm just another face.
Promises are not made to be broken, but they were that night.
That night he broke my heart. my everything gone away never to return.
As I sit on my bed where everything happened between us,
the beginning to the end.
the silence is earth shattering, but I like it.
I can still hear all those words, those words that I put so much faith in.
those words that turned into lies.
But it's not a lie, if you believe it.
And oh how I miss you, and the loneliness hurts so much.
I hope you're happy with her.
Be careful though darling, you're believing her lies too.
-written by me.

September 29, 2007

Here's to all the girls...

Here's to all the girls who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning & be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, & moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, "I only want to be your friend", one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves & misses you. We deserve something, and this is our tribute. Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, & even snuck around to see him for while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out, thinking it would be just friends, & ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us. Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to settle for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated. Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up & put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again. This is for those great girls who loved him more than words can say, & took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day & wonder "what if". This is for the girls that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, & cried during the entire conversation. The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it. This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with. This is for us girls, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, & get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that "things were going too fast, he needs time." Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." The ones that could just tell that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts & their dreams again. We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that. Here's for the ones that finally realized that he never gave a crap about them. Here's for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, & the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here's for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him & want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong and remember that relationships are like broken glass; sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together & get hurt. Remember the times you cried & how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When 'your song' comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made & tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation & the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the hell he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night & how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to. One day you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's going to hurt like crap, & it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal. This is for those girls who fell back in love with their ex, only to get hurt all over again. -Unknown.

Unloved and Unwanted.

I'm tired of being unwanted. of being judged.
of being unloved. of being alone.
It's not fair that I give everything to everyone and no one ever cares.
She's a mess of gorgeous chaos and you can see it in her eyes.
all she wants is to be loved. to be wanted. to be accepted for who she is.
she's never hated someone, Hate is a very strong word.
Dislike is a word that better suits the taste
of how she feels of only a certain few.
Dislike is a word that better suits the taste
of how she feels about high school.
Dislike is a word that better suits the taste,
of how she feels about life in general right now.
She wishes things would go back to the way they this time last year.
she was wanted back then. she wasn't judged back then.
she was loved back then. she was happy back then.
-written by me

Some favorite quotes.

  • "I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the winter bundled up by the fire, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you." -The Notebook.
  • "Let me ask you something; If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If they prayed for courage, does God give them courage, or does He give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does He give them opportunities to love each other?" -Evan Almighty.
  • "and maybe, there's a little loser in all of us. being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. maybe, it's about stringing together all those little things. Making those count formore than the bad stuff. maybe, if we justget through it. Then that is all we can ask for." -The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants.
  • "never say goodbye. because saying goodbye, means going away. and going away, means forgetting." -Peter Pan.
  • "Stay in touch. you muttered as i walked away, not realizing that i planned on forgetting you. because unlike you, i can't just shrug my shoulders. because unlike me, you never even cared." -Unknown.
  • "you don't bring people into your life, just to throw them away." -Degrassi.
  • "I traced our names on a fogged up window and watched them fade to nothing, just like we did." -Unknown.
  • "If you'd just listen to her, then maybe you'd understand. maybe, instead of thinking you know everything, you should let go of your ego for awhile, & you'd start to get to know the real her. and maybe, if you just threw away your stupidity for once. and just loved her, maybe, you two could make it." -Unknown.
  • "this is to empty warehouses and back alleys. to grass stains on your knees, and getting caught in the rain. to hiding yourself in corners and sobbing, and handing over the control of your world. to burying your heart, in the palm of another's hand, only to watch them crush it hopelessly. to the romance of getting hurt, over and over again." -Unknown.
  • "if you wanna leave, you Can. I'll Remember you though. I remember everyone that leaves." -Lilo and Stitch
  • On the phone a year later, he asked her if she missed him. Her reply was "I don't miss you, i miss the guy who called me every second he could, who sat home on Saturday nights when we couldn't be together thinking of me..the guy who came to my house after every fight, the guy who told me I looked like a star, that's the guy i miss. How could I miss you? I don't even know you." -Unknown.

best I've written.

written February 28, 2007
I’m mad. Mad at fate for turning out this way it did. Mad at God for letting this happen. Mad at you for not caring. Mad at her for liking you. But mostly, I’m mad at myself. For trusting you. For giving you everything I had to give. For screwing up. For not being good enough. And I guess, it’s always going to be like this. Things are never going to just work out for me. I make little things into big deals. I yell and get upset when I really shouldn’t. And I don’t think before I speak or act. And I guess you were right to leave because in the end, I would have only made things worse. But even after all of this, I still wish more than anything, that you missed me. That you cared how I felt when I found out you were hooking up with some girl after you told me you didn’t like her. I am so tired of this. I am so tired of life. Do you know what it feels like to want to die? I don’t think you do. I put on a great act don’t I? Pretending that I don’t care. Pretending I’m ok. Because the truth is, I go every day and cry my eyes out, driving myself insane thinking about what I could have done differently. The truth is, I’m not ok. I blame me and only me for all of this. Because the real truth is, people always act differently, when they think no one is watching. -written by me.
written March 25, 2007
It is a peculiar nature of the world, to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening. People say they care about her, and they know how she feels, but unless you can mend a broken heart, then you can’t really help her, can you? You say you understand, and sure you hear her, but maybe you weren’t really listening. You were looking, but you weren’t really seeing. Curious is the world, where someone can be so incredibly sad and yet no one can do anything about it. It’s amazing how much people change over time. Time stinks doesn’t it? It either goes by way to quickly to the point where you want to take a picture of every moment so you’ll never have to forget, or too slowly to the point where you’d rather kill yourself than wait. But think about it, if we didn’t have time what would we be? If we made time go faster we would miss the memories speeding by us. And if we made it go by slower then we would have to wait for what seems like forever for something we really want or maybe even something we really need. Time never goes the way we want it. Nothing ever goes the way we want it. And I guess I should have said something, anything. I mean, for a girl who wants to be a writer, it suddenly seemed like no words had ever been written. But when someone tells you that they somehow stopped missing you, stopped loving you, you pretty much lose, no matter what you say or how much time you have to say it. So in the end it all comes down to the fact that time is responsible for everything. To realize the value of time, don’t take pictures to look back on wonderful moments and you’ll see how precious time really is. Take a nap, or read a book to make time go faster and you’ll see how annoying time can be as well. The truth is we would be nothing without time. And no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening in the world, time isn’t going to speed up or slow down for anyone. It’s just going to happen. And sometimes, there’s nothing we can do but just accept it. -written by me.
written April 25, 2007
Here’s to those girls who used to be his everything. Who talked to him for hours thinking he was listening. To all the girls who thought everything was going great but then got that call when he said things weren't working out for him, and he needed space. This is for all those girls who cried for hours on end. For those girls who felt like there was no hope. Who went for months without seeing or hearing from him and after finally getting over it, watched him come back into your life as "just friends", as if nothing had ever happened. As you got closer to him you knew know where the "friendship" was going. Here’s to those girls who fell for him again. Fell for his lies, fell for his charm. Here’s to those girls who let him sweet talk his way into your mind and maybe even your body. Here’s to those girls who might have been through this 3 or 4 times already, only to be disappointed in the end, every single time. "It’ll be different this time" you'd say to yourself. Only to watch it turn out to be just like it did the last time, only this time it hurt a little more. It always hurt a little more. Here’s to those girls who tried so desperately to get him back over and over, only to probably push him away even more. To those girls who fucked it up so bad this time, the time it was really supposed to work. To those who can't sleep at night because they know the reason why he's not here anymore is because of them. Here’s to the one's who can't look at themselves in the mirror anymore because they feel ugly all the time. Here’s to the ones who not only screwed up things with the boy they love, but with everyone. Here’s to the ones who've heard their best friends say "you are pushing me away" or "you've changed ever since him". Here’s those girls who can't please everyone. Who can't be perfect. Here’s to those girls who have no one in this life. Who the people they used to be able to depend on aren't always there anymore. This is for you. For the one's who feel hopeless. For the one's who feel worthless. For the one's who feel unloved. This is for you. This is for us. -written by me.
written April 25, 2006
Here’s to those girls who used to be his everything. Who talked to him for hours thinking he was listening. To all the girls who thought everything was going great but then got that call when he said things weren't working out for him, and he needed space. This is for all those girls who cried for hours on end. For those girls who felt like there was no hope. Who went for months without seeing or hearing from him and after finally getting over it, watched him come back into your life as "just friends", as if nothing had ever happened. As you got closer to him you knew know where the "friendship" was going. Here’s to those girls who fell for him again. Fell for his lies, fell for his charm. Here’s to those girls who let him sweet talk his way into your mind and maybe even your body. Here’s to those girls who might have been through this 3 or 4 times already, only to be disappointed in the end, every single time. "It’ll be different this time" you'd say to yourself. Only to watch it turn out to be just like it did the last time, only this time it hurt a little more. It always hurt a little more. Here’s to those girls who tried so desperately to get him back over and over, only to probably push him away even more. To those girls who fucked it up so bad this time, the time it was really supposed to work. To those who can't sleep at night because they know the reason why he's not here anymore is because of them. Here’s to the one's who can't look at themselves in the mirror anymore because they feel ugly all the time. Here’s to the ones who not only screwed up things with the boy they love, but with everyone. Here’s to the ones who've heard their best friends say "you are pushing me away" or "you've changed ever since him". Here’s those girls who can't please everyone. Who can't be perfect. Here’s to those girls who have no one in this life. Who the people they used to be able to depend on aren't always there anymore. This is for you. For the one's who feel hopeless. For the one's who feel worthless. For the one's who feel unloved. This is for you. This is for us. -written by me.
written May 22, 2007
This is a story of a lonely girl trying to build a non-existent relationship with the boy she loves. Oh but that boy is so beautiful, she's lucky to even have known him at all. Still, she sits at home all alone, wishing she hadn't screwed things up. And everywhere she goes she thinks of how it would have been different if that boy was still there. So beautiful, so perfect. In her eyes, that's all she needs. She loves him with everything she has, and more, but he only loved her to last for a little while. But he's so beautiful, she can't let him go. And she cries every night wishing things were different. She goes to school with a fake smile on hoping to get a glimpse of that beautiful boy, hoping he'd notice her, hoping he'd miss her just as much as she misses him. But that would never happen; he's just too beautiful for her. -written by me.