best I've written.

written February 28, 2007

I’m mad. Mad at fate for turning out this way it did. Mad at God for letting this happen. Mad at you for not caring. Mad at her for liking you. But mostly, I’m mad at myself. For trusting you. For giving you everything I had to give. For screwing up. For not being good enough. And I guess, it’s always going to be like this. Things are never going to just work out for me. I make little things into big deals. I yell and get upset when I really shouldn’t. And I don’t think before I speak or act. And I guess you were right to leave because in the end, I would have only made things worse. But even after all of this, I still wish more than anything, that you missed me. That you cared how I felt when I found out you were hooking up with some girl after you told me you didn’t like her. I am so tired of this. I am so tired of life. Do you know what it feels like to want to die? I don’t think you do. I put on a great act don’t I? Pretending that I don’t care. Pretending I’m ok. Because the truth is, I go every day and cry my eyes out, driving myself insane thinking about what I could have done differently. The truth is, I’m not ok. I blame me and only me for all of this. Because the real truth is, people always act differently, when they think no one is watching. -written by me.

written March 25, 2007

It is a peculiar nature of the world, to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening. People say they care about her, and they know how she feels, but unless you can mend a broken heart, then you can’t really help her, can you? You say you understand, and sure you hear her, but maybe you weren’t really listening. You were looking, but you weren’t really seeing. Curious is the world, where someone can be so incredibly sad and yet no one can do anything about it. It’s amazing how much people change over time. Time stinks doesn’t it? It either goes by way to quickly to the point where you want to take a picture of every moment so you’ll never have to forget, or too slowly to the point where you’d rather kill yourself than wait. But think about it, if we didn’t have time what would we be? If we made time go faster we would miss the memories speeding by us. And if we made it go by slower then we would have to wait for what seems like forever for something we really want or maybe even something we really need. Time never goes the way we want it. Nothing ever goes the way we want it. And I guess I should have said something, anything. I mean, for a girl who wants to be a writer, it suddenly seemed like no words had ever been written. But when someone tells you that they somehow stopped missing you, stopped loving you, you pretty much lose, no matter what you say or how much time you have to say it. So in the end it all comes down to the fact that time is responsible for everything. To realize the value of time, don’t take pictures to look back on wonderful moments and you’ll see how precious time really is. Take a nap, or read a book to make time go faster and you’ll see how annoying time can be as well. The truth is we would be nothing without time. And no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening in the world, time isn’t going to speed up or slow down for anyone. It’s just going to happen. And sometimes, there’s nothing we can do but just accept it. -written by me.

written April 25, 2007

Here’s to those girls who used to be his everything. Who talked to him for hours thinking he was listening. To all the girls who thought everything was going great but then got that call when he said things weren't working out for him, and he needed space. This is for all those girls who cried for hours on end. For those girls who felt like there was no hope. Who went for months without seeing or hearing from him and after finally getting over it, watched him come back into your life as "just friends", as if nothing had ever happened. As you got closer to him you knew know where the "friendship" was going. Here’s to those girls who fell for him again. Fell for his lies, fell for his charm. Here’s to those girls who let him sweet talk his way into your mind and maybe even your body. Here’s to those girls who might have been through this 3 or 4 times already, only to be disappointed in the end, every single time. "It’ll be different this time" you'd say to yourself. Only to watch it turn out to be just like it did the last time, only this time it hurt a little more. It always hurt a little more. Here’s to those girls who tried so desperately to get him back over and over, only to probably push him away even more. To those girls who fucked it up so bad this time, the time it was really supposed to work. To those who can't sleep at night because they know the reason why he's not here anymore is because of them. Here’s to the one's who can't look at themselves in the mirror anymore because they feel ugly all the time. Here’s to the ones who not only screwed up things with the boy they love, but with everyone. Here’s to the ones who've heard their best friends say "you are pushing me away" or "you've changed ever since him". Here’s those girls who can't please everyone. Who can't be perfect. Here’s to those girls who have no one in this life. Who the people they used to be able to depend on aren't always there anymore. This is for you. For the one's who feel hopeless. For the one's who feel worthless. For the one's who feel unloved. This is for you. This is for us. -written by me.

written April 25, 2006

Here’s to those girls who used to be his everything. Who talked to him for hours thinking he was listening. To all the girls who thought everything was going great but then got that call when he said things weren't working out for him, and he needed space. This is for all those girls who cried for hours on end. For those girls who felt like there was no hope. Who went for months without seeing or hearing from him and after finally getting over it, watched him come back into your life as "just friends", as if nothing had ever happened. As you got closer to him you knew know where the "friendship" was going. Here’s to those girls who fell for him again. Fell for his lies, fell for his charm. Here’s to those girls who let him sweet talk his way into your mind and maybe even your body. Here’s to those girls who might have been through this 3 or 4 times already, only to be disappointed in the end, every single time. "It’ll be different this time" you'd say to yourself. Only to watch it turn out to be just like it did the last time, only this time it hurt a little more. It always hurt a little more. Here’s to those girls who tried so desperately to get him back over and over, only to probably push him away even more. To those girls who fucked it up so bad this time, the time it was really supposed to work. To those who can't sleep at night because they know the reason why he's not here anymore is because of them. Here’s to the one's who can't look at themselves in the mirror anymore because they feel ugly all the time. Here’s to the ones who not only screwed up things with the boy they love, but with everyone. Here’s to the ones who've heard their best friends say "you are pushing me away" or "you've changed ever since him". Here’s those girls who can't please everyone. Who can't be perfect. Here’s to those girls who have no one in this life. Who the people they used to be able to depend on aren't always there anymore. This is for you. For the one's who feel hopeless. For the one's who feel worthless. For the one's who feel unloved. This is for you. This is for us. -written by me.

written May 22, 2007

This is a story of a lonely girl trying to build a non-existent relationship with the boy she loves. Oh but that boy is so beautiful, she's lucky to even have known him at all. Still, she sits at home all alone, wishing she hadn't screwed things up. And everywhere she goes she thinks of how it would have been different if that boy was still there. So beautiful, so perfect. In her eyes, that's all she needs. She loves him with everything she has, and more, but he only loved her to last for a little while. But he's so beautiful, she can't let him go. And she cries every night wishing things were different. She goes to school with a fake smile on hoping to get a glimpse of that beautiful boy, hoping he'd notice her, hoping he'd miss her just as much as she misses him. But that would never happen; he's just too beautiful for her. -written by me.